Holding Space As A Doula During The Coronavirus Pandemic

"It's Ok To Grieve..."

These words led a post recently posted on my Instagram page. It goes on to list things that are getting canceled or delayed due to the coronavirus pandemic and social distancing. Right now, over 20 states are on a Stay-At-Home order, stores, and schools closed, and our worlds as we've known them have completely flipped upside down. We are navigating as best we can with the change of plans in a short time while trying to keep life as normal as possible for ourselves and those around us.

But, let's face it, for some of us, this still sucks! And guess what? It's ok to feel that way.

Part of what I do as a doula is hold space for my clients. I allow them to feel their feelings at that moment without guilt or shame because they are human. We can reasonably understand why temporary sacrifices need to occur now for us to have a healthier future, yet still, grieve the plans that won't come to pass. We are allowed to feel both simultaneously.

I had to take a step back and "doula" myself. I have had trips and vacations canceled, a half marathon canceled, and now time with my distant family potentially being postponed. I almost had a moment of feeling shamed by my own emotions, knowing others may have worse scenarios that they cannot attend to but had to remember I am still human, and my feelings are still valid. This time we're all in is not a competition about who has it worse.

This time of social distancing and staying at home is not the norm for many of us, but it is temporary. While certain momentous occasions (births, senior proms, etc.) cannot recur, we make adjustments where we can yet still permit our emotions to exist.

The fast-spreading COVID-19 has meant some mothers could no longer have their partner and doula physically present to support them in labor due to hospital restrictions. Virtual doula support is an alternative to last-minute changes in hospital policies. Some school districts have already announced students will not be returning for the remainder of the school year, so seniors will miss out on having their senior prom or graduation ceremony. Family reunions and annual cookouts are now getting postponed.

It can be frustrating, especially when some of these milestones were what you dreamed of and planned for your whole life. You have a right to be frustrated! My heart aches with you.

After you've dwelled in your feelings for a while and allowed yourself time to grieve your original plans, what will you do next? Now, people are going down the alphabet with Plans A, B, and C, to try to create different memories amidst their original plans.

As much as we are all doing our best to adapt to changes, I understand no plan will feel as good as your original plan. Having a game plan for the changes you know you will face at least brings some peace of mind and sense of control.

We can change our perception and look at the silver lining this period brings by having more time at home with family, more time to clean that room or garage that's been on your to-do list for months, more time to start a new healthy habit. Still, it's ok to mourn what didn't go as planned.

As we begin to see the coronavirus pandemic take a positive turn in some countries and more people take it seriously, we can have hope that this time in our lives will be one we will always remember, but won't last forever. Give yourself grace and space to not be ok with the turns COVID-19 has brought to all of us.

We each are struggling in our own ways, but I am hopeful we will get through this with a different outlook and appreciation for how we live. In the meantime, feel your feelings and know that you are not alone in them.

It's ok to grieve.